I just wanted to follow up to my post the other day, about feeling crappy and wanting a life: I feel better and a lot more centered today. I went to therapy, signed up for a volunteer thing, and dreamed about school, and possibilities for myself. I think time, and also people, are real healers in my life, not to mention journaling.
I really want to see the movie “The Perks of Being a Wallflower.” I really liked the book and the trailer looks great.
This weekend, I have been doing a lot of cool things. I went to an art opening at my local museum, I hung out with a friend, and I bought a puzzle on sale at B&N. I also bought a book for 99 cents at goodwill, by Neil Gaiman, called M is For Magic, in their Halloween section.
But right now, I am feeling kind of blah.
So I sort of want to take this time to write about what doesn’t makes me happy. What makes me downright unhappy. One thing, I can think of, is looking at the lives of others through the internet, say, facebook, and wishing I had their life. Or their passion.
I guess maybe I’m not sure what I’m saying. Sometimes, a lot of times, it depends, I feel like something BIG is missing from my life. Enjoyment. Fun. Other people. Parties. Bravery.
I looked up this guy I knew, who moved to California. He’s a musician and loves what he does. He was also kind of a douche to me, and I don’t even know why I’m bringing him up. But he has a blog and facebook page, and I looked at it. And then felt this longing. And sadness.
I think I want a boyfriend. And to get the hell out of my city. And to just enjoy life.
How can I do this?
Amanda at Kind Over Matter wrote a great piece called How To Rock (This Trip Around The Sun).
I’m on it.
I am so affected by stories of people at turning points in their lives, for the better. Shedding their skins. I am drawn to these stories. I need. I need this to be my story.
There’s something about watching a really good movie, that makes me feel… really good.
I have a phobia. Social phobia. I’ve had it since college. It gets in the way of me living my daily life, living my dream life, and right now I feel like it is really out of control.
I want to dedicate this blog, to making a happy life for myself, living my dreams, and courageously battling, coping with, and facing my fears.
I can do this.
My Dream Life:
-Deep, happy Connections and Friendship
-An apartment of my own
-I want to DO things (take a language class, learn piano, take a writing class)
-Bonfires, crisp fall nights, Halloween parties (thrown by me!)
The weather here is gorgeous. Perfect fall weather. I went to a nature center today and hiked their trails. So beautiful, and peaceful.
I need to go wash my hair now.
Honor your temperament.
It’s OK to be vulnerable.
I’m still trying to make peace with that statement. There are times when I think I am OK with being myself, but letting people, strangers, see me, at my worst…panic attacky, angry, whatever – going against what I consider the emotional and behavioral social grain… it’s really scary and it makes me feel really insecure. Today I had to leave somewhere because I couldn’t deal. On top of that, I wasn’t feeling well, was having an anxiety attack, and was completely embarrassed in front of other people.
You do what you have to do. You trust that people will understand. You take it easy, be gentle with yourself. And even if you don’t believe it, say to yourself: It’s OK. Because it is. You have more power than you think you do. And it’s beautiful.