So it’s the new year and things are changing. I told a friend of mine that I needed space. And I learned that saying I’m going to do something… even committing to it, before it happens, is MUCH easier than actually going. I want that to change this year. I want to pat myself on the back more. I WANT to do things, and be around people, and I know that it’s because partly my genetics, partly disorder, that I have difficulty.
This band has been rocking my ipod speakers lately.
If you’re reading this, pat yourself on the back, give yourself some credit. Also, just know, that it’s OK. You’ll get there.
I’m still trying to make peace with that statement. There are times when I think I am OK with being myself, but letting people, strangers, see me, at my worst…panic attacky, angry, whatever – going against what I consider the emotional and behavioral social grain… it’s really scary and it makes me feel really insecure. Today I had to leave somewhere because I couldn’t deal. On top of that, I wasn’t feeling well, was having an anxiety attack, and was completely embarrassed in front of other people.
You do what you have to do. You trust that people will understand. You take it easy, be gentle with yourself. And even if you don’t believe it, say to yourself: It’s OK. Because it is. You have more power than you think you do. And it’s beautiful.
Here’s what I usually think a “Real” artist should be (note: I really only apply this to myself)
1. Studies art technique
2. Loves the great old masters
3. Is gaga over their own art, 24/7
4. Is inspired, 24/7
None of these things are really me. But you know what? I still like creating art. I like to express my emotions with paint, I like to cartoon in pen, I listen to music while I do it. Doing these things centers me. I usually don’t put the effort in to get REALLY good at figure drawing, I wish I did but I don’t, and I do alright. I get excited about crafty projects like kits and workshops about anything and everything I don’t normally do like pottery, stone carving, sculpture, bookbinding, art journaling, etc. I don’t always enjoy making art, sometimes I am soo bored doing it, so I stop and do something else. But I am an artist, and this is my unique DNA. I am not like anyone else, just like you.
So I had a conversation with someone yesterday about hobbies, and my seemingly never-ending saga of a question, “How do you know what you are doing is the right thing for you?” My friend told me this. he said that once he stopped caring about what other people thought, and really looked inside himself and sat with it, he came to realize what his true interests and passions are (to him, that’s cars, 80s toys, and vintage and military items, among other things).
Last night, during this convo, I had a breakthrough. I really like watching good TV (Some of my favs: the award shows, Conan, The Office, Gilmore Girls, My So-Called Life, 30 Rock, Mad Men, Six Feet Under) I have not admitted this ever…or, at least not since High School. I always felt like it was something shameful, or, not to be admitted that I like doing more than say, reading…cuz that would make me seem estupido? But there you have it. I am a boob tube lover!
Hi, I was on vacation this past week. I left on Sunday and came back today. I was in the Mountains. I am back now and I have things to say.
1. I bought a ring that says Love. It’s a personal reminder. I think that love is complicated. It’s something I want to do more of.
2. My family and I went to lunch with a woman my mom works with when we were on vacation. I always love hearing about this woman’s daughter. Her daughter is my age, and she is a social worker. She is always moving, though she has lived in Alaska for quite some time. Anyway, I asked her, does your daughter still live in Alaska? No she isn’t. Guess where she just moved to, and it perked me up so much that I decided I have to visit there next year…Portland, Oregon.