I’m still trying to make peace with that statement. There are times when I think I am OK with being myself, but letting people, strangers, see me, at my worst…panic attacky, angry, whatever – going against what I consider the emotional and behavioral social grain… it’s really scary and it makes me feel really insecure. Today I had to leave somewhere because I couldn’t deal. On top of that, I wasn’t feeling well, was having an anxiety attack, and was completely embarrassed in front of other people.
You do what you have to do. You trust that people will understand. You take it easy, be gentle with yourself. And even if you don’t believe it, say to yourself: It’s OK. Because it is. You have more power than you think you do. And it’s beautiful.
Here’s what I usually think a “Real” artist should be (note: I really only apply this to myself)
1. Studies art technique
2. Loves the great old masters
3. Is gaga over their own art, 24/7
4. Is inspired, 24/7
None of these things are really me. But you know what? I still like creating art. I like to express my emotions with paint, I like to cartoon in pen, I listen to music while I do it. Doing these things centers me. I usually don’t put the effort in to get REALLY good at figure drawing, I wish I did but I don’t, and I do alright. I get excited about crafty projects like kits and workshops about anything and everything I don’t normally do like pottery, stone carving, sculpture, bookbinding, art journaling, etc. I don’t always enjoy making art, sometimes I am soo bored doing it, so I stop and do something else. But I am an artist, and this is my unique DNA. I am not like anyone else, just like you.
So I had a conversation with someone yesterday about hobbies, and my seemingly never-ending saga of a question, “How do you know what you are doing is the right thing for you?” My friend told me this. he said that once he stopped caring about what other people thought, and really looked inside himself and sat with it, he came to realize what his true interests and passions are (to him, that’s cars, 80s toys, and vintage and military items, among other things).
Last night, during this convo, I had a breakthrough. I really like watching good TV (Some of my favs: the award shows, Conan, The Office, Gilmore Girls, My So-Called Life, 30 Rock, Mad Men, Six Feet Under) I have not admitted this ever…or, at least not since High School. I always felt like it was something shameful, or, not to be admitted that I like doing more than say, reading…cuz that would make me seem estupido? But there you have it. I am a boob tube lover!