Here it is.

I have a phobia.  Social phobia.  I’ve had it since college.  It gets in the way of me living my daily life, living my dream life, and right now I feel like it is really out of control.

I want to dedicate this blog, to making a happy life for myself, living my dreams, and courageously battling, coping with, and facing my fears.

I can do this.
My Dream Life:

-Deep, happy Connections and Friendship

-An apartment of my own

-I want to DO things (take a language class, learn piano, take a writing class)

-Travel

-Bonfires, crisp fall nights, Halloween parties (thrown by me!)

Make your own rules

Here’s what I usually think a “Real” artist should be (note: I really only apply this to myself)

1. Studies art technique

2. Loves the great old masters

3. Is gaga over their own art, 24/7

4.  Is inspired, 24/7

None of these things are really me.  But you know what?  I still like creating art.  I like to express my emotions with paint, I like to cartoon in pen, I listen to music while I do it.  Doing these things centers me.  I usually don’t put the effort in to get REALLY good at figure drawing, I wish I did but I don’t, and I do alright.  I get excited about crafty projects like kits and workshops about anything and everything I don’t normally do like pottery, stone carving, sculpture, bookbinding, art journaling, etc.  I don’t always enjoy making art, sometimes I am soo bored doing it, so I stop and do something else.  But I am an artist, and this is my unique DNA.  I am not like anyone else, just like you.

About Me

I never told you guys this, I don’t think.  I have a mental health diagnosis.  I don’t feel comfortable saying the whole thing, but I’ll tell you it is in the depressive disorder spectrum (not bipolar).  I also have social anxiety, which I am OK saying.  I had a REALLY hard time in college 10 years ago.  That’s when it all started.  I was always sensitive as a kid.  But believe it or not, while middle school sucked, I had a few good high school years.  And when I come to think about it now, middle school wasn’t so bad either.

I have been in treatment for…over 10 years.  This is the embarrassing part of the post where I tell you, yeah, I’ve been in treatment for over ten years and I still struggle with inner issues.  Treatment.  I’m not here to explain myself to anyone, I just want to tell you about myself.  So I guess that’s that.

It’s funny the things that really help keep me together.  I take my meds, I go to therapy, and I go to work.  Right now I am struggling in some areas of wellness.  Physical health, relationships, and living up to my full potential.  But I know I’ll get there, and right now I’m doing what I know how to do.

I am not my diagnosis.  My name is Amy, and my favorite color is green.  I am 29 years old and I still have it going on.  I plan to have it going on when I’m old too.  I am so enchanted by science and other languages.  I like to paint and draw, and listen to music all at the same time.  I have a comfy yellow chair that I read books in and watch Gilmore Girls on DVD in.  I journal like its no ones business, I love to take mini road trips in my car.

So that’s “About Me” today.  What about you?

Detour

I think I went off track for the past couple weeks.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing though.  I think it’s really good to take detours.  You can learn a lot.  Sometimes the detour turns into your new road.  MY detour, although it was nice, fun even, did not turn into my new road.  But I did find new things to ponder, and steer clear of.

I discovered Sufjan Steven’s album, Come On Feel The Illinoise.

I drew, and it felt centering and peaceful.

I went to work.

I got good news.

I had fun.

I felt really sad.

I am ok, and now I’m blogging.

I think I wanna end this blog post, first, by saying, that I am enchanted many things, but I’d like to devote my intrigue to…Paris and France today.  Go go Paris France!

Now here’s some music, adios!

Lately

Lately, whenever I come here, I don’t want to write.  I am scared.  I am scared to be honest, because, what if the real me isn’t good enough.

*Breathe*

I am reading a book called Getting Past Your Past.  It’s about EMDR therapy and even though I’m only in the beginning of the book, I notice that its been soothing to me, already.

Despite what I said in my very first entry here, I am still an artist. I still make art.

I LOVE Sarah Silverman!

Here’s a couple more on my To Do List before I turn 30:

25.  Don’t be afraid to be myself, even to the cashier at the grocery store.  Dare to be cute and funny.  My way.

26.  Get on an airplane and go someplace AMAZING.  Maybe California 🙂

I signed up for a Chinese language class to take over the summer.  I hope it goes through.  Sometimes they don’t because of low enrollment.  Keep your fingers crossed for me….
xoxo,  Amy

Gratitude & Green Things

Gratitude.  Its been a bit of a tough weekend for me.  But everyday, there are still things to love and be grateful for: my mom and dad, looking at family photos with my brother, Barnes & Noble, Finally planting those sunflower seeds I said I’d plant!

I leave you with some adventures I had in my front yard today:

My daddy planted a rose bush.

Lilies of the Valley: a super surprise for my birthday!

The pots I planted the sunflower seeds in!

Our beautiful Maple tree, in full bloom

My little giveaway contest

Tea and Lights

I am going to be holding a drawing for a copy of this picture on Friday, May 11th.  I made it a few years ago with pen and ink, and colored pencil.

To be entered to win my drawing, there are 3 things you have to do (it’s easy):

1. Follow my blog

2.  Follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/Amyek83

3. Post a comment on this blog, telling me what your favorite color is and why.

I will pick the winner on Friday May 11th, 2012!

I don’t want to post about it just yet but there’s some things I want to do.  And I’m gonna do em.  They are fun and exciting things (and scary, so I have been procrastinating).

So, I figure I should post about my happiness project and how it’s coming along.  I’ve decided this second, that it should be called a wellness project, instead.  But that is subject to change 🙂

Attrition

I am working on AWESOME things in therapy.   I’m really happy that my therapist and I worked things out.