Here it is.

I have a phobia.  Social phobia.  I’ve had it since college.  It gets in the way of me living my daily life, living my dream life, and right now I feel like it is really out of control.

I want to dedicate this blog, to making a happy life for myself, living my dreams, and courageously battling, coping with, and facing my fears.

I can do this.
My Dream Life:

-Deep, happy Connections and Friendship

-An apartment of my own

-I want to DO things (take a language class, learn piano, take a writing class)

-Travel

-Bonfires, crisp fall nights, Halloween parties (thrown by me!)

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Vulnerability – It’s OK

It’s OK to be vulnerable.

I’m still trying to make peace with that statement.  There are times when I think I am OK with being myself, but letting people, strangers, see me, at my worst…panic attacky, angry, whatever – going against what I consider the emotional and behavioral social grain… it’s really scary and it makes me feel really insecure.  Today I had to leave somewhere because I couldn’t deal.  On top of that, I wasn’t feeling well, was having an anxiety attack, and was completely embarrassed in front of other people.
You do what you have to do.  You trust that people will understand.  You take it easy, be gentle with yourself.  And even if you don’t believe it, say to yourself: It’s OK.  Because it is.  You have more power than you think you do.  And it’s beautiful.

Vulnerability...

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Update

Hello there!  Well, it has been a while since I have posted anything, and I think a mostly positive update is in order:

1.  I am so excited for my brother.  He got into grad school for media studies.  Woohoo!  Go go Amy’s brother!

2.  I signed up for a real Spanish class (not online).  I am stressed about it.  That is all.

3.  I’m still working.

4.  I’m still going to therapy.

5.  I signed up for This.  The first month was spectacular.

6.  Discovering new music, as always.  This time I’ve been led to The Decemberist’s 2010 album, and I rediscovered Tom Petty’s Wildflower album as well as an REM Collection CD (1982-2011) It’s so so Sweet!!!

7.  I am reading a book called Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time.  It’s an amazing and transforming book for me to read.

8.  One of my sunflowers came up!  It’s beautiful!  It’s red (it’s an autumn mix of seeds).

So there’s my happy update 🙂

And since this blog has a focus on wellness, I want to take this time to remind myself, and yourself, that living a life of wellness is important.  There are so many things I can list here: getting enough exercise, eating the right foods, reading good books, working hard, being keeping your commitments and being social,forming positive connections, living simple and tidy, personal hygiene, etc.  It can be overwhelming, there’s so many things.  Just keep at it.  And remember to relax and zone out everyday.  I believe that that is also a part of being well 🙂

So, be well.

Make your own rules

Here’s what I usually think a “Real” artist should be (note: I really only apply this to myself)

1. Studies art technique

2. Loves the great old masters

3. Is gaga over their own art, 24/7

4.  Is inspired, 24/7

None of these things are really me.  But you know what?  I still like creating art.  I like to express my emotions with paint, I like to cartoon in pen, I listen to music while I do it.  Doing these things centers me.  I usually don’t put the effort in to get REALLY good at figure drawing, I wish I did but I don’t, and I do alright.  I get excited about crafty projects like kits and workshops about anything and everything I don’t normally do like pottery, stone carving, sculpture, bookbinding, art journaling, etc.  I don’t always enjoy making art, sometimes I am soo bored doing it, so I stop and do something else.  But I am an artist, and this is my unique DNA.  I am not like anyone else, just like you.

About Me

I never told you guys this, I don’t think.  I have a mental health diagnosis.  I don’t feel comfortable saying the whole thing, but I’ll tell you it is in the depressive disorder spectrum (not bipolar).  I also have social anxiety, which I am OK saying.  I had a REALLY hard time in college 10 years ago.  That’s when it all started.  I was always sensitive as a kid.  But believe it or not, while middle school sucked, I had a few good high school years.  And when I come to think about it now, middle school wasn’t so bad either.

I have been in treatment for…over 10 years.  This is the embarrassing part of the post where I tell you, yeah, I’ve been in treatment for over ten years and I still struggle with inner issues.  Treatment.  I’m not here to explain myself to anyone, I just want to tell you about myself.  So I guess that’s that.

It’s funny the things that really help keep me together.  I take my meds, I go to therapy, and I go to work.  Right now I am struggling in some areas of wellness.  Physical health, relationships, and living up to my full potential.  But I know I’ll get there, and right now I’m doing what I know how to do.

I am not my diagnosis.  My name is Amy, and my favorite color is green.  I am 29 years old and I still have it going on.  I plan to have it going on when I’m old too.  I am so enchanted by science and other languages.  I like to paint and draw, and listen to music all at the same time.  I have a comfy yellow chair that I read books in and watch Gilmore Girls on DVD in.  I journal like its no ones business, I love to take mini road trips in my car.

So that’s “About Me” today.  What about you?